Today was an ordinary day. It was a day of cloudy skies speckled with rain, filled with people rushing about trying to get somewhere.
What was magical was the book I read today. A book titled "Life's Golden Ticket" written by Brendon Burchard.
But this blog post is not about the book, although I would urge anyone and everyone to get a copy. It is about me being given a second chance in life, and yet for 10 years I chose to continue in life pretty much the same way I always have.
The year was 2000, 1 day after my 23rd Birthday. I am almost ashamed to say this, after a horrid shouting match with my Mother the day before, I was felled by a brain Haemorrhage. The massive bleed in my brain caused seizures, and disabled all of my visual, motor control and balance. It was by divine grace, that I got in touch with my Dad through my mobile. I did so by hitting the redial button on my trusty Nokia 3210, though at that point I could no longer see.
After I woke up in hospital, I begun a painstaking recovery, learning to read, learning to write and speak again, learning to balance, and learning to do up buttons. You read it right, I had to learn to button and unbutton shirts. It required immense effort. To my loved ones, it was great that I was came out of the coma, but to me, life was never really the same again.
Along with my old friend fear and self doubt, I have acquired self pity, a victim mentality, and a continued antagonistic approach towards my family, whom I saw as not being able to understand me.
The voices in my head whispered: "Of course they don't understand, they just want to brush your pain aside, they want you to go back to work, and get off their back...."
I can tell you that that was a dark space to be in. I was scarred physically and mentally, and the face I see in the mirror was clouded with despair.
I forced myself to recover as quickly as I could, I read even though focusing on any thing made my head hurt, I tried to read aloud, although words came out in a gibberish, I cried myself to sleep every other night.
Of course, as you could guess, I did recover, and life went on,but somehow, I realise now that lessons that unlearnt will be re-learnt. Just to prove that I am perfectly fine, I worked harder than most, I took on challenging roles and portfolios, worked deep into the night most days.
Yet everything wasn't fine, I was unhappy, lonely even in good company, depressed after work, tired and burnt out.
Like a refrain, the words in my mind haunted me, no they taunted me.
"You escaped death only to live this sorry, meaningless excuse of a life, what else is there, what is the purpose? Do you have a purpose?"
What if there is no purpose?
As I read "Life's Golden Ticket", I felt myself unravelling. I was always so full of excuses, I wanted the world to run according to me, I was going to achieve everything, it was my right after all that I suffered. I wanted people in my life to change, yet I failed to see that I was the one who needed changing. I have changed for the positive in many ways, but now it is time to empty the cup, and fill my life anew.
Over the last year, almost by magic, I started to re-examine my life, I slowed down, in part due to burn-out, I was a strong assesrtive person at work, but at night I crumbled. I had mysterious gastric ailments that no doctors had cures for. The ones in my life counldn't understand my depressive moods and mad reliance on sleeping pills.
My doctor during one of those visits said quite clearly to me:"Perhaps you need to do a different job."
He was right in a way, but what I needed was not a different job, it was a different perspectve on life.
These days, I am a different person inside. Still strong willed, and still seeking growth, but I have tempered all of these expectation with one very key ingredient. And that is Compassion.
I cannot coach others well until I deal with my own shadows. And my mentor was right, I self-coach all the time, and in doing so, I have found peace through a new focus on others important to my life. I listen like I never listened before, if my best friend calls, I will pick the call no matter what.
Just as I learnt in 7 Habits, I must place the big rocks in my life into the bucket first, pebbles and sand can go in last.
I am privileged to be able to learn coaching, and even more privilege to have a good mentor who nudges me into clarifying my direction.
It is never easy, and achieving goals will always take time and tenacity. But today I know that I have found my strength, and slowly but surely I will become what I've always wanted to be. I will stop saying it's too late.
And to all my loved ones, friends and people I have yet to meet, will you take my hand, and walk with me? There are wondrous sights to behold, and great many adventures to embark on, if you want it.
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Dedicated to my parents, my best friend Farene, Colleen, the best coach trainer and to Tze Meng, my mentor and my friend. Yes, please hold me accountable to what I promise to do.
