The Nature of Awareness

"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are."
- Anais Nin

In the training, teaching, mentoring and coaching circle, I have oftentimes heard people refer to Awareness as something that is essential and paramount to growth and self development. 

Yet, when I do ask individuals what awareness means to them, what I usually get is a rehash of the word itself. "You know, it's being aware", said one coaching client. I don't know about you, but even an apple means different things and draws out different senses and memories to you and me. I experienced that when I tried to described my thoughts and feelings on Jelly fish, and came to the conclusion that no two persons experience the same jelly fish the same way or in the same intensity.

I approached today's post in the same style as the way I tutor kids, and that's by inquiry in a coaching style. Let's broaden our paradigms and experience what comes.

From Wikipedia, "Awareness"  is the state or ability to perceive, to feel, or to be conscious of events, objects, or sensory patterns. Taking a step back and just digesting this description, when one is aware, what it seems to mean is that one taps into our human senses, and notice the experience. It is what Gurdjieff means when he talks about self remembering. It is not just sitting and meditating, feeling or thinking. It is realising that what we experience in our inner landscape is separate from the objective reality of others, and that it may be the same or it may not. It is in fact, a state that is separate from what we think is our personality. We are not what we think or feel, we are perhaps more.

What helps in the development of awareness? 

Now, this is what my student taught me about awareness through our really fun session on what was studying techniques. We learnt about what our maps of learning are, and through experiencing the differences... we learnt from it.

Awareness comes as a by product of the following:

1. Looking at Language
In coaching, one important aspect of rapport is to have a good understanding of our client's map of the world. I've found that many people have limited vocabulary in the area of development that they most sorely needed. 

A client who wants control over anger, has next to no words to describe it beside "angry", and my student's vocabulary for anger is just "angry". Asking what really being angry is yields a surprised and baffled  look.

What I discover is that if all we know is angry or sad, we experience, usually, either anger or sadness. We don't look at what the feeling is really telling us, and what the real deal behind the anger is.

Anger is a state of emotion that arises when things different from what we want or expect turns up, and we are angry for vastly different reasons.

I'd like to borrow just two examples from the Enneagram to illustrate what Anger means to different people:

Perfectionists experience anger that is tightly coiled, controlled and it often means that a important standard has been breached, and corrective action needs to be made

Individualists experience anger as a hot expressive force that spins out of control. It signifies that a strong emotional reason behind the anger, something of value is lost, and it cannot ever be recovered again. 

As you can see, when we enrich our vocabulary of what the anger means, we learn much more about ourselves.

2. Experiment
In developing awareness, it helps to be somewhat playful with ourselves. I ran this exercise with my student when she asked why people get angry or sad. We talked about a dog she used to play with many years ago. When we talked about the dog's death, I asked her what she thought of, and when we talked about the best moments with the dog, again what her memories are.

At the end of the session, through her own effort, she learns that what we feel is often related to what we thought about, and if that is the case, we have full control over what we choose to dwell on.

We are sometimes our worst enemies, we believe things that make us unhappy, angry, powerless, defensive, unlikable people, and we use it to describe how the world or others really hurt us, when all we have been doing is using our own energy, and the fury of our fears and emotions to hurt ourselves. 

Being aware doesn't necessarily mean you are happier, it does mean that you have a great more flexibility in your life.

3. Joy
In tuition, all too often, teachers forget that everyone learns better when they are in a positive state. I've found that my student is amazing when she finds the positive energy to work on herself, she recalls past learning better, is more creative, and makes no careless errors. 

So really, what my role is, is to create such an environment for her. 

In being aware, being blissful and happy are also a supportive states. I am not a fan of developmental practices that requires people to seek out their worst memories and rehash them in vivid detail. The past is exactly that, the past, and reliving them is like eating last year's new year goodies, stale and not too tasty. 

If we learn from our negative experiences, which we do even if we don't bring it to the conscious, then we move on. Staying with the past does really nothing for us today, that it has not already done.

So in conclusion, what we can do to create more awareness in our lives, is to simply: 
1. Enrich our use of language   
2. Be experimental 
3. Be a child of bliss

Drop me a line, tell me what you think. What is your path to awareness?

"Only internal bliss is perpetual, nothing else is created to last. 

That's why God lives within us and all storms pass."

- Carl Henegan 

Spring is a Time of Renewal

It's lunar new year here in Singapore, and the festive season always brings to mind feasting, gatherings, celebrating, letting loose and enjoying life.

Although there are no seasons in Singapore, as we are located on the Equator, there is still a perceptible buzz of newness, what we call "Spring wind" which heralds auspicious renewal for all. And it is at this time that I like to start coaching sessions with clients. As they say, rowing with the wind is much easier then rowing against it, and there is nothing like a multi sensory reminder that one's life is not static, if we do not want to achieve anything in the year, it is likely that we will not.

Everything and anything that I use in my coaching work, I test on myself, after all, it is futile to offer mental exercises and other tools of the trade without first trying them on oneself. Today, my chosen topic is the use of the Dream Board. 

Also known as a vision board, this version that I use is a visual reminder of all of the things that are important to oneself, so it could be pictures, lists, scents, news paper articles, in fact anything that captures the important and nourishing things in our lives. Placed at a location that one sees on a daily basis, the board serves as an anchor to the things that we seek and desire for the year (or longer).

This daily reminders does quite a few things for us:

1. Daily dose of Love
Daily affirmation of what we love and want in life fuels our motivation to maintain habits and and stay on course. Brain science research shows that what we focus on strengthens our neural pathways for those thoughts, and it's not useful to think of what didn't happen, it's much easier to create new thinking and new habits.

2. Mind your thoughts
5 mins of positive contemplation at the start or end of the day helps center our thoughts and creates a positive strong start. Everything that was created began with a thought, just as the mighty oak trees grew from a tiny seed. Watch your thoughts, nurture your spirit and watch your create energy grow.

3. Energy follows intention
It's not easy following through with goals that we set, and if you surveyed people who started the year with new year resolutions, you will find that many do not remember what they were past the second month. A dream board is a reminder that something is still important to you, and that your energy is following your intentions to fulfil those goals. I know people with family mission statements placed in a place of honour prominently, and those were the families that kept together, stayed together and supported each other.

4. Follow your bliss
The dream board is not a static one, each month or weeks that pass brings either new things to the board or some items get removed or shelved.
Refocusing only has two rules: 
A. Items that are removed must be things do not serve you anymore
B. New things that are added must ring your bliss and joy. If you set something, and you feel numb or ambivalent towards it, discard.

5. Share yourself
Placing your dream board in a prominent place has an additional effect on others in your family. Many of us infrequently share our thoughts on things that matter to us most. Our dream board allows others to support our goals and understand us better. One of the most lovely boards I have seen was a family board, where each of the things that everyone in the family wanted was featured like a giant crystal spiderweb, beautifully interconnected, just as we are all inter-connected spiritually and energetically.

Have you started thinking of what your board looks like? When was the last time you updated your board? Are you open to all of the possibilities in your life and are you really living fully?

Seeds

Reading Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh's essays, to me, is like drinking a cool refreshing glass of water. He speaks of nourishing healthy seeds, and goes on to explain that consciousness exists on two levels, as seeds and as manifestations of those seeds.

Plant good seeds and you yield good outcomes, simple enough. What he goes on to talk about is the act of gathering a store of good seeds for difficult times, moments when nothing seems to be enough to support us. Those are moments when grief overcomes us, anger erodes our trust, and fear shakes our beliefs.

And this act of gathering good seeds is in itself a study in mindfulness; knowing that any action and emotion of ours is within our control. When we meet an angry person, who responds to us with fear and rudeness, it is hard to believe that even in that moment, the choice of calm is ours.

In the course of my work in Coaching, a side effect that I am happy to report, is increased calm and happiness. Perhaps of the mindfulness work that I blend into coaching sessions is spilling over into my life as well, who knows? Coaching using the knowledge of the Enneagram further adds to this awareness. When you know that you as coach have your own filters and fixations, each coaching session, although fully focused on your client, has a positive side effect of also illuminating what you yourself must learn.

So in a happy twist of fate, after searching years for the perfect job, I am in my version of the perfect job, as Coach. I am a gardener, who sits with others examining the best seeds to plant for their greatest happiness, sieving through the bad nuts as well as the good, nurturing the desire to stay the course, and celebrating success as well as bitter sweet moments when we discover together that the tree that promised all that one desires is but a mirage.

In sheltering others from the rain, I have found strength, and in loving when one is unlovable, I have seen courage. Just as the great teacher Claudio Naranjo says in conclusion to his book "the Enneagram of Society", this ending serves to me, an invitation and a beginning, " to think about all that will be added to us if we first of all occupy the Kingdom that is to be found within our hearts."

What things and wonders will come indeed!

This is a Fork - Discovery through the Enneagram

Last night, I picked up a fork (to eat dessert with) and remembered the 5 magical days I spent in Ginger's Coaching with the Enneagram course in Hong Kong.

To me, the enneagram is complex and as I read more each day, things fall into place, yet often the mist parts only to reveal even more areas of obscurity and tantalising bits of insight. The greatest learning I gained from the course was that when we are open and awareness to the innate possibilities of each type, we find that we are indeed all deeply connected.

Being aware is truly only the beginning. Through learning to listen to what is unspoken, to connect at the head, heart and gut level, sharing and understanding paradigms, not assuming that we all have the same maps of the world,  tapping our intuition, laughing joyfully at ourselves when we trap ourselves with baffling stories of what we hold ourselves to be, then did we begin the journey towards insight. And this awareness then allows us as coaches to gently challenge what our clients really could become.

In a way, the mix is the class couldn't be more perfect. We had all the 9 types, albeit some still sitting on fence of their "chosen type", and enough interaction time to understand the motivations, pecularities, impulse and defense mechanisms of each type. If you asked me before the class whether I understood the monkey mind of a type 7, the need to be needed of a type 2, or the concept of success as self of a type 3, I would be totally baffled, but today as I think back on those energetic discussions, role plays and exercises we did, I remember fondly how beautiful every soul in class was regardless of type, and how beautifully the light shines in each of us.

For me, the course started a journey with the enneagram that I did not anticipate, suddenly the world really is multi dimensional and filled with texture, imagery, sounds and sights. (No, we did not eat anything unusual in class) Expanding our mind and energies past the old confines really made all the difference.

Back to the fork.

Somewhere in Aberdeen, HK, there is a hotel in which some of the forks now know that they are:

"shiny, prickly, useful, glittering, a weapon, a comb, curvy, sensual, hard, just the right weight, balanced, beautiful, branded, plays a nice tone when tapped, silver, bright, sharp, sometimes sad, sometimes optimistic, ready to see the world"

Just like the wonderful enneagram coaches they are most similar to. Isn't it absolutely beautiful that we can be anyone we choose to be, just like those shiny happy forks in Aberdeen.

Life's Golden Ticket

Today was an ordinary day. It was a day of cloudy skies speckled with rain, filled with people rushing about trying to get somewhere.

What was magical was the book I read today. A book titled "Life's Golden Ticket" written by Brendon Burchard.

But this blog post is not about the book, although I would urge anyone and everyone to get a copy. It is about me being given a second chance in life, and yet for 10 years I chose to continue in life pretty much the same way I always have.

The year was 2000, 1 day after my 23rd Birthday. I am almost ashamed to say this, after a horrid shouting match with my Mother the day before, I was felled by a brain Haemorrhage. The massive bleed in my brain caused seizures, and disabled all of my visual, motor control and balance. It was by divine grace, that I got in touch with my Dad through my mobile. I did so by hitting the redial button on my trusty Nokia 3210, though at that point I could no longer see.

After I woke up in hospital, I begun a painstaking recovery, learning to read, learning to write and speak again, learning to balance, and learning to do up buttons. You read it right, I had to learn to button and unbutton shirts. It required immense effort. To my loved ones, it was great that I was came out of the coma, but to me, life was never really the same again.

Along with my old friend fear and self doubt, I have acquired self pity, a victim mentality, and a continued antagonistic approach towards my family, whom I saw as not being able to understand me.

The voices in my head whispered: "Of course they don't understand, they just want to brush your pain aside, they want you to go back to work, and get off their back...."
I can tell you that that was a dark space to be in. I was scarred physically and mentally, and the face I see in the mirror was clouded with despair.

I forced myself to recover as quickly as I could, I read even though focusing on any thing made my head hurt, I tried to read aloud, although words came out in a gibberish, I cried myself to sleep every other night.

Of course, as you could guess, I did recover, and life went on,but somehow, I realise now that lessons that unlearnt will be re-learnt. Just to prove that I am perfectly fine, I worked harder than most, I took on challenging roles and portfolios, worked deep into the night most days.

Yet everything wasn't fine, I was unhappy, lonely even in good company, depressed after work, tired and burnt out.

Like a refrain, the words in my mind haunted me, no they taunted me.

"You escaped death only to live this sorry, meaningless excuse of a life, what else is there, what is the purpose? Do you have a purpose?"

What if there is no purpose?

As I read "Life's Golden Ticket", I felt myself unravelling. I was always so full of excuses, I wanted the world to run according to me, I was going to achieve everything, it was my right after all that I suffered. I wanted people in my life to change, yet I failed to see that I was the one who needed changing. I have changed for the positive in many ways, but now it is time to empty the cup, and fill my life anew.

Over the last year, almost by magic, I started to re-examine my life, I slowed down, in part due to burn-out, I was a strong assesrtive person at work, but at night I crumbled. I had mysterious gastric ailments that no doctors had cures for. The ones in my life counldn't understand my depressive moods and mad reliance on sleeping pills.

My doctor during one of those visits said quite clearly to me:"Perhaps you need to do a different job."

He was right in a way, but what I needed was not a different job, it was a different perspectve on life.

These days, I am a different person inside. Still strong willed, and still seeking growth, but I have tempered all of these expectation with one very key ingredient. And that is Compassion.

I cannot coach others well until I deal with my own shadows. And my mentor was right, I self-coach all the time, and in doing so, I have found peace through a new focus on others important to my life. I listen like I never listened before, if my best friend calls, I will pick the call no matter what.

Just as I learnt in 7 Habits, I must place the big rocks in my life into the bucket first, pebbles and sand can go in last.

I am privileged to be able to learn coaching, and even more privilege to have a good mentor who nudges me into clarifying my direction.

It is never easy, and achieving goals will always take time and tenacity. But today I know that I have found my strength, and slowly but surely I will become what I've always wanted to be. I will stop saying it's too late.

And to all my loved ones, friends and people I have yet to meet, will you take my hand, and walk with me? There are wondrous sights to behold, and great many adventures to embark on, if you want it.

_______________________________________________________________

Dedicated to my parents, my best friend Farene, Colleen, the best coach trainer and to Tze Meng, my mentor and my friend. Yes, please hold me accountable to what I promise to do.

Who's to say never?

Last Saturday, I had the first tuition session with a good friend's niece. I've only tutored sporadically in my university days, but I had no hesitation tutoring this young lady, because what I was to do was not purely to teach English, I was to coach.

If you find this odd, you are not alone in feeling so.

I've seen this young lady in social and family settings. She is very generous to share, she defers to her siblings, she is obedient but rather slow, very kind and giving. What is sadly the missing part to this otherwise wonderful girl is that she has no interest in anything, not her herself, not her future, no ambition, no likes and dislikes.

How curious, I thought.

The purpose of my weekly lessons with her, was to comment on her weekly jounals, run through essays she writes, and assess her work in a creative writing workbook.

I quickly realise that she writes relatively well, albeit with colloquial interjections and careless tenses. She write 'badly' because that is what she believed. As such, she never checks what she writes, trusting instead that it's bad anyway.

Our conversation goes:

Me: What did you learn completing the workbook?
Her: There are many things that can be used in a compo(sition).
Me: Good, So how would that change your writing habit?
Her: Maybe prepare more and think of more things
Me: How do you remind yourself of that?

Me: How you do see your writing on a scale of 1 - 10?
Her: maybe 7 - 8? (with a scared sheepish look)
Me: That's good. Let's talk about what need to be done to get to 10, and what is a 10.

Does this sound familiar already?

Do I think she will pass her PSLE? Let's just say that we'll do our best, both of us, and the neuroscience research says that each week, as she builds more neural maps on English, writing, being expressive, adding more details to her essays, being more confident, being more interested in her work, as a side effect, she will pass her exams.

Well, that's my theory anyway.

As an aside, when I started learning to coach, there were two groups of people I believed I couldn't coach. 1) teens and children, and 2) people much older than myself. In 8 months, I've done both, so what's to say what can or cannot be done at the end of the day?

So learning point:this year, I shall try breaking some old beliefs and patterns. Chief of all would be:

1) that I can't write a book
2) that work that is meaningful can't pay the bills

I believe in a having a healthy dose of confidence, but still, I think my Ego is in for some shock and resistence!

And never say never.

Learning from coaching - insights galore!

Last night I had a really good session with my Coachee from US. Although it was our first session, and we barely knew each other, there was a good sense of rapport between us. In a way, that again reminds me that no matter how we grew up, what our principles are, which languages we speak, we are very much alike as humans.

I've always preferred face to face coaching, trusting that being able to see, sense, and hear would deepen rapport and build a safe space for coaching. I am almost surprised that even without seeing my coachee, I could hear her energy level, thoughts and state of emotion perfectly well, and perhaps, this distance in fact allows for greater clarity.

It is again a reminder that mindfulness exists at all times, and in all situations. It is almost akin to allow yourself to freefall off a canyon, trusting that you will land safely with your parachute strapped on.

It was truly a very powerful feeling, that in focusing on another, one reaches the ability to suspend all judgement, all need for control, and just be in the space to listen for potential, to understand, to sense and to shape the conversation with great empathy, but no attachment to where the conversation leads.

Oftentimes when I coach, I can hear Colleen's voice, saying, just trust in the process, you already know what to say or ask. Just listen fully and be curious. How do you feel? What is behind this thought? Who controls this emotion? How would you be without this thought? what do you notice? What are you beginning to be aware of?

My coachee last night was very appreciative of her insights from our conversation, and could immediately see application into the rest of her behavior towards people, events and things. For me, it was a great learning oppportunity and a very humbling experience.

I learnt from her, how to hear what is beneath, to trust the energy that was in her voice, to realise that there were moments of reflections, and to appreciate the brief moments of silence in between. I learnt also to let go of the preconceived structures, and to allow for flexibility whilst keeping to the path.

I've also learnt from her, that in being aware of the emotion that is driving our behavior, our emotions literally dissipate, and what you end up with, is a strong sense of clarity, and a clear vision of the way forward.

What a beautiful state of mind to be in. and what else is possible?

Transition person

Yesterday, I learnt at 7 habits training, the concept of a transition person. We've all at one stage or another, have had mentors, inspiring managers, great relatives that we look up to, coaches who teach more than the essentials of a game, and friends who changed us.

However, the idea of a transition person is quite different, as I discover with a quick search of the internet.

One site speaks of the transition person as someone who appears in our lives as if by magic (sychrononicity)and has a role of clarifying our thoughts and actions. In metaphysics, this person has the role of waking us up to universal truths, lighting a new candle in the dark.

That all sounds great until, you realise that the transition person is exactly just that, a transition. Most transition persons do not stay in our lives, unless they are meant to. And the caution at the end of that article on the transition person warned of not falling in love with the person because you will get hurt, and deeply.

Most interesting.

In the 7 Habits paradigm, the transition person seems to be a catalyst for change, someone who brings you visions of a new way of being, and in doing so change your concept of the world and it's never the same again.

Looking back at different times in my life, I realise that many transition persons, very critical to my being, growth, development and creative energy have indeed appeared into my life at critical junctures, and some are no longer with me. I thought it would be a fun exercise to list them out, and what I learnt from them in a quick random order:

Yoong Kin - smart, intellectual, impeccable integrity

I learned from him, what a leader needs to be

Casilda - humourous, kind, no nonsense, strong

I learned from her the resilience one needs to be whole

Farene - my best friend, creative, never say die attitude, intuitive and forgiving

I learned from her what it means to be a good friend, across time and geographical boundaries, and what empathy means

Colleem - best coach trainer ever! strong, firm, generous and kind

I learned that it is often necessary to stand your ground, but be most sensitive and supportive doing so

Bernard Ho - being different, and learning always, even if it's tough

I learned that life doesnt always go your way, but you can choose how you react, and that changes you

Tze Meng - coach mentor,doesnt mince words, intuitive, sharp, strong personality, equally generous heart

I learned from him(and is still learning at this point)that it takes courage to be a good coach, and you fail no one except yourself.

As a write, I'm struck by a simple truth, that I coach because I want to be a transition person for others, and to faciliate their growth on their journeys. And the beauty of it all is that I can be that catalyst no matter what professional role I take, and no matter how inadequate I may feel.

And in Colleen's words, coaching is not about the coach, it is about the coachee. In a good coaching conversation, the coach is invisible. But the results are life changing.

Succinct, specific, generous and absolutely true.

Re-creating you everyday

As humans, we always seek to define ourselves, what we are, is it good or bad, how we measure up to our friends, neighbors and to everyone else under the sun. Today I realize that I can choose all that or I can choose to be undefined.

When I think of that, I immediately felt lighter, because it is no longer relevant to be in the space of the past, and we often that the past is...just that, the past. Whether it is last decade, last week or ten seconds ago. We constantly recreate ourselves, and to keep ourselves 'normal' we largely re created the same US each day!

How amazing is that!?

Infinite beings recreating the same persona everyday!

Today I had a coaching session with a coaching course mate Sufian, and had a really delightful time. One question that he asked me that I really liked was how I would apply my new coaching mindset to the rest of my life, as opposed to just within the workplace.

I paused because then question caused me to reflect. Why not indeed! So I will choose to:

Be curious
Listen for potential
Practice non judgement
Be present

And trust that I do have everything I need, and there is something right about what I have chosen all along.

What a fabulous way of being! What else is possible! Tomorrow morning, I'll recreate me and all of life comes to me with ease, joy and glory!

The path of synchronicity - between the ego and the shadow

It used to be that I often marveled at how life seems to happen in a flow, and that unrelated things and events happen that are just right for you. Perhaps it is true that when you love ferraris, somehow you will see bright red ones everywhere. I am a firm believer that when you intend something more often then not, things will happen. However, sometimes what happens is what you need rather then what you prefer.

I started my journey into Coaching also as part of a series of oddly synchronized events. I have been thinking of ways in which I can reach people better and more genuinely, and coaching appeared in the horizon. It was not by any stretch of the imagination a straight forward path. Perhaps I chose not to heed my instincts, perhaps it was fear, and perhaps it simply wasn't time.

I am now entering into the 12 and final session of my coach training, and it seems as if the more I learn, the more there is to learn. It is most curious and very disconcerting. Some people would say that the training enables coaches, provides training to 'do' the real job of coaching, but to me, this was a journey further inwards then I would have expected.

I am again reminded of my trainer Coleen's words, that as coaches we see people as fundamentally whole and complete, and that we ourselves must see ourselves as complete as well. Today as I went through the tele class, my old friend self doubt resurfaced. I am not sure I know enough, or can do enough to be a good coach, and I keep feeling like I've sailed off the cliff on wings of intention alone, and have found them wholly inadequate.

And true to the powers of intention, I opened Dr Allan Hunter's book on the path of sychronicity, where he says right at the introduction
that "a signpost does not have to be made of gold - it just has to point the right direction."

In a sense, I've stepped into a space between the ego and the shadow, where neither sunlight nor rain falls, and where I must be whole to start with, or perceive that I am, or perish. And right there was my insight: everything that I am learnt, it is indeed enough, trust your instinct and the process. Nobody said that it would be easy, only the ego promised a easy path, and the shadow whispered of fear, inadequacies and failure.

In a sense, my coaching journey has been one inwards where I reflect on why I do things, realized that I didnt know my self very well, and upon seeing who I am, I didnt like myself too much. Yet at the end of the day, this very battered signpost can still show the path to bewildered travelers and in doing so, serve its purpose.

Life is immensely wonderful, and I am grateful for all the people I met on the way, some benign, some lovely, and some, belonged right in Dante's journey into the underworld, demons of charm and horror. After all, hell is not just a place we've seen, it's also a frame of mind.

And the choosing of which we take, is not always as clear as we might have hoped.