The mirror has two faces

Many a times Enneagram enthusiasts find themselves in a dilemma. As they pored through the descriptions of types, and the associated traits, they suddenly find themselves bound to deny or disassociate themselves from the very traits they see in themselves.

And more often then not, ironically, these are the traits that made them successful at work.

I remember a strong, sophisticated looking lady, a fellow enneagram classmate, asking me with some measure  of anguish, how she could be less of her type. How she could be acceptable to others, how others can fear her less.

I still remember what I said to her, perhaps because the pain that I felt was mirrored in myself. I said that she was every bit the perfection of who she already is, and that what she seeks to hide may very well be her gifts, the fruits of the spirit. Perhaps removing the "too" from whatever descriptor she had judged herself to be, could be a first step, yet, sometimes, there is nothing to change, what is, already serves her well, it's just from whose perspective it is..too much.

Yes, as you can see, I am rather the dare devil sometimes, being contrarian runs in my blood.

The Enneagram is like a mirror to me, it reflects aspects of who I could be, and who I am today, and shows me the shadow of who I was.

Some of my fellow 4s tell me that life often sucks for a type 4, the tendency to spiral deep into a negative emotional state at the drop of a hat, self consciousness, a projection of a veneer of being something worthy, never finding what's essentially not lost, it all becomes a baggage.

Yet, the more I travel on this Enneagram path, the less I feel a compulsion to judge myself. Equanimity is to me, a state of balance. It is seeing things for what they really are. And it really hard to "un-see" what you are now acutely aware of.

The past, images, scenes, love, loss, these are like pictures on the wall, they cannot hurt the present. If they do, it is only because I want it, I will it, and I languish in it.

Once we see both sides of the same coin, there is no good or bad, it just is.

Seeing the beauty in the smallest act, seeing the artistry in cup of coffee, the beauty of a sunset, feeling touched by beauty, these are gifts, and these I share with the people I meet in my life. You've got to understand that following the path down the rabbit hole is sometimes a most wonderful thing, even if it is pain, sadness, and loss that leads us down this path. And it is loss that makes me cherish life, light and darkness, ying and yang. It is a close shave with death that makes me want to shake people up, with Type 8 anger and fury, wake up, you are alive, choose to live!

Something my mentor said to me yesterday resonated with me. Just as 4s intensify their feelings and emotions, type 5s or any other type does the same, and for 5s a feeling of numbness is intensified, it's a feeling of no emotions, a cloak of emptiness. The question is, what are you doing it for? And how has your "gift" served you? And there is almost always, a positive intention behind something you do, and a choice. What we call our fixations, are merely patterns that we are at liberty to transform.

Key words here are: Aware - choice - being different - change

The development paths in the enneagram, are less prescriptions, rather they are signposts. Knowing that you are a type 2, doesn't mean you spend all your time practicing saying no to people, and turning down every request. It is realising just who you are, and why you do anything, and taking joy in creating a life that brings you fulfilment in all aspects. It is loving yourself and loving others. And standing up for yourself, as much as you stand up for others.

It is becoming less a automaton, a machine of reflex.

It is becoming conscious, self observing and present.

It is a balance and a choice. Neither a "must", or "should", it is a "choose to".

And I've got to tell you that the future has truly just begun.We've only just begun.

Sharing an Umbrella

Today on the way home after a coaching session, I was waiting at a traffic crossing for a ride from a friend whom I was meeting for lunch.

It was a wet, cold day, with rain falling in sheets and people rushing off to lunch or from lunch. This is the kind of downpour that makes you wish you were at home, tucked in bed, lost in a book and nursing a piping hot coffee.

Lost in my thoughts, my reverie was interrupted by kind looking gentleman who stopped in front of me before he crossed the street to get back to his office. I sense a little hesitation as he opened his umbrella and offered me shelter to the other side of the road.

This is the first time someone offered to share his umbrella with me, and in the past, caught in similar downpours I have bemoaned the fact that people do longer care about others, and the empathy and depth of our human connection seems lost. And the truth is, we all had space under our large umbrellas for another umbrella-less soul.

And this one simple gesture absolutely warmed my heart. If I wanted a sign, this was it.

A thought came to me; we don't really need the propaganda that our government is famous for, keep Singapore clean and green, the Kindness movement, so on and so forth, all we need is a little love from our own heart, the desire to share just a little with the nameless others in our little island. If it was common practice to share our umbrella with others every time it rained, just for that brief moment, Singapore would become a much kinder and more gracious city with each downpour.

Imagine that. And it's just one small gesture.

Whoever you are, kind gentleman, who works somewhere at Singtel in Somerset, thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I don't now who you are, but you have made my day.

And oh, I stand corrected, Chivalry is not dead here.

   "A little fall of rain
            Will make the flowers
                          grow"
                                   - Les Misérable

Spring is a Time of Renewal

It's lunar new year here in Singapore, and the festive season always brings to mind feasting, gatherings, celebrating, letting loose and enjoying life.

Although there are no seasons in Singapore, as we are located on the Equator, there is still a perceptible buzz of newness, what we call "Spring wind" which heralds auspicious renewal for all. And it is at this time that I like to start coaching sessions with clients. As they say, rowing with the wind is much easier then rowing against it, and there is nothing like a multi sensory reminder that one's life is not static, if we do not want to achieve anything in the year, it is likely that we will not.

Everything and anything that I use in my coaching work, I test on myself, after all, it is futile to offer mental exercises and other tools of the trade without first trying them on oneself. Today, my chosen topic is the use of the Dream Board. 

Also known as a vision board, this version that I use is a visual reminder of all of the things that are important to oneself, so it could be pictures, lists, scents, news paper articles, in fact anything that captures the important and nourishing things in our lives. Placed at a location that one sees on a daily basis, the board serves as an anchor to the things that we seek and desire for the year (or longer).

This daily reminders does quite a few things for us:

1. Daily dose of Love
Daily affirmation of what we love and want in life fuels our motivation to maintain habits and and stay on course. Brain science research shows that what we focus on strengthens our neural pathways for those thoughts, and it's not useful to think of what didn't happen, it's much easier to create new thinking and new habits.

2. Mind your thoughts
5 mins of positive contemplation at the start or end of the day helps center our thoughts and creates a positive strong start. Everything that was created began with a thought, just as the mighty oak trees grew from a tiny seed. Watch your thoughts, nurture your spirit and watch your create energy grow.

3. Energy follows intention
It's not easy following through with goals that we set, and if you surveyed people who started the year with new year resolutions, you will find that many do not remember what they were past the second month. A dream board is a reminder that something is still important to you, and that your energy is following your intentions to fulfil those goals. I know people with family mission statements placed in a place of honour prominently, and those were the families that kept together, stayed together and supported each other.

4. Follow your bliss
The dream board is not a static one, each month or weeks that pass brings either new things to the board or some items get removed or shelved.
Refocusing only has two rules: 
A. Items that are removed must be things do not serve you anymore
B. New things that are added must ring your bliss and joy. If you set something, and you feel numb or ambivalent towards it, discard.

5. Share yourself
Placing your dream board in a prominent place has an additional effect on others in your family. Many of us infrequently share our thoughts on things that matter to us most. Our dream board allows others to support our goals and understand us better. One of the most lovely boards I have seen was a family board, where each of the things that everyone in the family wanted was featured like a giant crystal spiderweb, beautifully interconnected, just as we are all inter-connected spiritually and energetically.

Have you started thinking of what your board looks like? When was the last time you updated your board? Are you open to all of the possibilities in your life and are you really living fully?

Fashion and the Enneagram

In my many years of HR work, I've often noticed how the first 5-10 mins of any first meeting had significant impact on the subsequent relationship, be it professional or social. Some people have shared a instant rapport for some people and for some, it's dislike at first sight. Most people wouldn't be able to explain just what's wrong, but there are always many reasons why one is loved or hated.

In the last 5 years or so, I've noticed that the hip and happening younger crowd tends to appear at interviews exerting their individual style, some with great finesse and others more of a miss than hit. I won't and can't speak for all industries, but interviews perhaps still require formal etiquette and dress, and what you wear or dress in, says a lot more than you think.

Musing with a friend just a couple of days back, this is what I gathered about what one's dressing say about them and their enneagram type. Imagine this: if I understand Enneagram types, and behaviours, your dressing certainly says a lot more to me, and I certainly can assess you with different questions that brings out your best and your worst.

(Note: This is a tongue-in-cheek look at Enneatype fashion, any resemblance to actual persons is unintended)

Type 1 - The Moralist, Perfectionist, the good person

Type 1s love looking right for official events, dressed in the best they can afford, dark sombre power suits and muted tones, shades of black, blue and gray. If wearing white, it's got to be clean white and spotless. Type 1 ladies love pearls, perfection in a oyster.

Never to be caught dead in brown shoes with black suits(for that matter socks of the wrong colour), you can almost see them doing a critique of that reflection in the mirror as their eyes linger over every stray hair, every crease and the shine of their shoe.

Type 2 - The Helper, people pleaser, the special friend

Type 2s project comfort and warmth, and their clothes say the same. Warm tones, cotton whites, yellow , beige and browns, earth colours and blue the colour of a sunny day. Their dressing says, I'm your friend, and I am here for you. I am comfortable and I want you to feel the same way. Type 2s can dress for impact as well, but they appeal to your feelings and your heart, non obtrusive gentle materials and scent. Bags may not match their clothes but the material will often be soft and inviting.

Type 3 - The Achiever, status seeker, the "Best"

Shirts tucked in securely in their Armani pants, constantly posing for pictures(in their mind), and on the look out for persons of interest, the type 3 dresses for others. The message the type 3 projects is, look at how successful I look, be awed, and admire me.

Type 3s prefer colours that make them look good, suave or glamourous(ie. rich), and good = success = role model. The salesman's uniform of dark suit and power red ties were created for type 3s.

There is often a rigidity in the type 3's speech and body language because they are trying to figure out what you want them to say to you, and how to impress you. Looking into a type 3's eyes, you often see emptiness looking back at you, like a mirror that reflects only your own image, that is, if they would look you in the eyes. 

Type 4 - The romantic, tragic player, the aesthete

Type 4s have a penchant for the dramatic aspects of life. The black they wear is midnight black, not the usual half baked black, and blue is noble royal blue and red is maroon, the shade of blood. Understated style is the calling card of a type 4, no neon greens and yellows. The focus is on "the look", and 4s dress to match the image of themselves in their mind's eye. 

Type 4s follow classic looks that never get out of style, and have a love of fine things, warm wood, leather and unique pieces and things that evoke an entire bygone era.

Type 5 - The Thinker, observer, the mentalist

Type 5s are no frills dressers. Simple, block colours, not too loud, and nothing that calls attention to them. Blacks. wood greens, calm blue, soft sorbet orange, whites. No stiff materials and unnecessary adornments. Type 5s grew up with a certain laid back style, and they stick with it. If they find something that they like to wear, they would buy it in all of the colours they like and stock up, and that's the shopping quota for the year. Buy a new short, I prefer a good hair cut.

Fashion is anything that does not clash too badly when worn together. Afterall, there are much more important things to contemplate, dressing is a rather frivolous waste of time. But wait, they are likely to be wearing a gadget that is fresh on the market, with a whole series of impressive functions.

Type 6 - The Loyalist, doubter, the guardian

Type 6s wear the simple, presentable, clean and neat version of what other people wear. Checks, plaid, simple buttons. If there is a uniform to wear, that's great! Played down, simple white based prints are what type 6s prefer, afterall, there is so much to do, something easy to wash, iron or dry (and are dependable and last for a long time) are the best bets. 

Buying anything tends to take a long time, there are things to consider, and once they find a preference, they stick with it. If the company stops production and move out to Thailand, they will find a way to buy...in Thailand.

Type 7 - The Enthusiast, Energizer bunny, the multi-tasker

The style of a Type 7 is often describes as eclectic. Multiple styles and patterns are captured in one full smorgasbord, something new, something classic, something quirky. Creative and adventures, 7s wear their sunshine on their skin, in colourful mixes, accessories, prints and materials. Life is fun, and the Type 7 wardrobe reflects that, a little bit of everything, and anything that goes together. And the truth is, everything does go together for a type 7. Wear the same thing every week? Oh what a bore....

Type 7s love fashion, experimentation, finding new styles and leading the trend. You can almost always tell a female 7 from everyone else, well put together, energetic mix of materials, buttons of unusual materials, trendy shoes. They will never be caught dead wearing what everyone else is wearing, they modify and make things their own style.

Type 8 - The Challenger, maverick, the leader

Type 8s in the business world are gritty, strong, "spare me the excuses and get to the chase" type of leaders, and their dressing matches that. Suits, simple, black and white, they almost always feel and look larger than life. They charge into rooms with great force, and you better know it. 

Off work, they maintain a white polo tee, smart casual combo. Hardly the type to fuss over fashion, type 8s need comfortable clothes, things that do not restrict their bodily actions and strong gestures. Their choice of clothes work as hard as they do, so they better be good quality and comfortable.

Type 9s - The Peacemaker, comforter, the consensus seeker

Type 9s prefer clothes that are like them, laid back, non obtrusive, and fades into the background. The dress according to their environment, and will be happy wearing the same sets of matching items weekly. Clothes and accessories if any, are matching, and only paired the same way. 

Types 9s are easy going and their clothes project calm. From boardroom to lunch, always cool as a cucumber. 

As I come to the end of this page, do you find yourself thinking of what you wear, and what friends and loved ones wear? What does the way you dress say to others? 

Does this speak to you of shopping trips and how you love or hate some styles of dress? For today, step out and notice what everyone's wearing and saying with what they wear.