Lost in the woods

As I wander somewhat despondently in the woods of my soul's despair, lost and bereft of people I trusted or so I believe, a realization came to me that one can never be really lost, without first losing oneself. How does one 'get' lost, shouldn't it be, one is (now) lost?

More damaging than the perceived lost of support, is the lost of self belief, a certain optimism that just as crazy lousy things happen, so can the amazing great ones.

When there are various other options to pursue at any point, being lost is a unconscious choice to remain without a choice. No one really can stay without taking action for ever, unless there one has all the earthly resources needed for continuation of life in an urban city such as ours. Yet staying stuck is a useful experience too, if that's your choice, I wonder what choices are you not taking, and how and what is the story you make up to explain what's going on?

What are you afraid of, and what did you evade? 

Many of us think taking actions is a good way to get out of a rut, yet sometimes staying the course can be the best action too. It really depends on what your goals in life are, and by that, I don't mean the goals you think you should have, and things that you feel obliged to do, or the things you choose to do for others, or even the goal you thought you wanted. The good thing is that as long as you are breathing, you can always change your mind. No one's judging you for making a mistake( except yourself, that is). It can be a greater folly to give in to pride and envy, fear and anger, indolence and indulgence, and continue to live a massive lie just to keep up appearances. And if staying is really a good choice, and it makes you happy( even if you hide it), all it takes a quick mental reframe, and everything does fall into place. If you feel a certain way, ask yourself what thought came before the fit of emotion. 

Try that, isn't it interesting? We really are not our emotions.

You can procrastinate, lie to yourself, spin fanciful tales, tell stories that even you can't really determine whether or not are works of fiction or reality, or even better, believe that somehow you are doing things for the benefit of others ( the greatest noble lie of all, but nevertheless a sweet lie), but one day the truth will swing around and hit you squarely in the back of your head like a 20 year old boomerang spin.  

One can only live for oneself, deception can be soothing for many, to say that others need you in order to survive is vanity, life does go on without you. That's God's biggest grace to us all, a short memory, a penchant for forgetfulness. Otherwise, can you imagine the nightmares we as humans will hang on to for eons, long after the splinter has been removed and the pain has healed. We love self flagellation, rehash the hurt again and again, embellish and go through it all over again my our minds, and even believe that people will never change, even if we ourselves change from one day to the next. The day will come when even hate must end, why not end it now? Must it take the separation that death brings, to realize that you've always had a better choice, one that we obstinately refuse to take? What would you call that? Stupidity, pride, fear, anger, indulgence, apathy? What is the name of your inner demon and dare you  call it to its face?

For all of the things that don't go well, it however remains true that the light of others in our lives makes all of the best moments happen - joy, growth, love, hate, sadness and madness. That's right, I named hate, sadness and madness as one of the best moments in life. Just as day can't exist without night, many of our darker moments illuminate the best of the human spirit, and it is immaterial whether we acknowledge that or not. To live bravely, and to not be enslaved to our emotional or mental chains, is perhaps the uncharted frontier that we must attempt, if not to become who we can be, perhaps just for the heck of it.

If you were the only human left on earth, you would really love to deeply love, hate, talk to, hug, push, argue with someone just one more time, or even to sit quietly sipping coffee in the same space, so why not do it now consciously? For the last 10 years, I've been hanging on to a grudge against an old lady who may not even be lucid enough to know right now, tomorrow I will make plans to let that go. Just because I want to, and hell, holding on to a deadweight is really tiring emotionally and ultimately futile. Actually, I'll let that go NOW. 

Ah...... Hmm much better. But of course, I'll still visit and say sorry even if it matters only to me.

Where life exist, where love exists, nothing can be broken for good. Just like the myth of Pandora's box tells us, when all of the ills of humankind has been unleashed onto earth, the only thing that always will remain is Hope. And if you can't hang on to hope, it's time to find a fellow human to talk to. Just as good friend of mine said, if one is feeling lost, maybe it's time to look for a map and chart a new course. Who knows, it may even be the path you abandoned that leads to the bubbling steaming hot spring after all. Never mind if it took silly you 5 years wandering in circles to finally get there.

The mirror has two faces

Many a times Enneagram enthusiasts find themselves in a dilemma. As they pored through the descriptions of types, and the associated traits, they suddenly find themselves bound to deny or disassociate themselves from the very traits they see in themselves.

And more often then not, ironically, these are the traits that made them successful at work.

I remember a strong, sophisticated looking lady, a fellow enneagram classmate, asking me with some measure  of anguish, how she could be less of her type. How she could be acceptable to others, how others can fear her less.

I still remember what I said to her, perhaps because the pain that I felt was mirrored in myself. I said that she was every bit the perfection of who she already is, and that what she seeks to hide may very well be her gifts, the fruits of the spirit. Perhaps removing the "too" from whatever descriptor she had judged herself to be, could be a first step, yet, sometimes, there is nothing to change, what is, already serves her well, it's just from whose perspective it is..too much.

Yes, as you can see, I am rather the dare devil sometimes, being contrarian runs in my blood.

The Enneagram is like a mirror to me, it reflects aspects of who I could be, and who I am today, and shows me the shadow of who I was.

Some of my fellow 4s tell me that life often sucks for a type 4, the tendency to spiral deep into a negative emotional state at the drop of a hat, self consciousness, a projection of a veneer of being something worthy, never finding what's essentially not lost, it all becomes a baggage.

Yet, the more I travel on this Enneagram path, the less I feel a compulsion to judge myself. Equanimity is to me, a state of balance. It is seeing things for what they really are. And it really hard to "un-see" what you are now acutely aware of.

The past, images, scenes, love, loss, these are like pictures on the wall, they cannot hurt the present. If they do, it is only because I want it, I will it, and I languish in it.

Once we see both sides of the same coin, there is no good or bad, it just is.

Seeing the beauty in the smallest act, seeing the artistry in cup of coffee, the beauty of a sunset, feeling touched by beauty, these are gifts, and these I share with the people I meet in my life. You've got to understand that following the path down the rabbit hole is sometimes a most wonderful thing, even if it is pain, sadness, and loss that leads us down this path. And it is loss that makes me cherish life, light and darkness, ying and yang. It is a close shave with death that makes me want to shake people up, with Type 8 anger and fury, wake up, you are alive, choose to live!

Something my mentor said to me yesterday resonated with me. Just as 4s intensify their feelings and emotions, type 5s or any other type does the same, and for 5s a feeling of numbness is intensified, it's a feeling of no emotions, a cloak of emptiness. The question is, what are you doing it for? And how has your "gift" served you? And there is almost always, a positive intention behind something you do, and a choice. What we call our fixations, are merely patterns that we are at liberty to transform.

Key words here are: Aware - choice - being different - change

The development paths in the enneagram, are less prescriptions, rather they are signposts. Knowing that you are a type 2, doesn't mean you spend all your time practicing saying no to people, and turning down every request. It is realising just who you are, and why you do anything, and taking joy in creating a life that brings you fulfilment in all aspects. It is loving yourself and loving others. And standing up for yourself, as much as you stand up for others.

It is becoming less a automaton, a machine of reflex.

It is becoming conscious, self observing and present.

It is a balance and a choice. Neither a "must", or "should", it is a "choose to".

And I've got to tell you that the future has truly just begun.We've only just begun.

Fashion and the Enneagram

In my many years of HR work, I've often noticed how the first 5-10 mins of any first meeting had significant impact on the subsequent relationship, be it professional or social. Some people have shared a instant rapport for some people and for some, it's dislike at first sight. Most people wouldn't be able to explain just what's wrong, but there are always many reasons why one is loved or hated.

In the last 5 years or so, I've noticed that the hip and happening younger crowd tends to appear at interviews exerting their individual style, some with great finesse and others more of a miss than hit. I won't and can't speak for all industries, but interviews perhaps still require formal etiquette and dress, and what you wear or dress in, says a lot more than you think.

Musing with a friend just a couple of days back, this is what I gathered about what one's dressing say about them and their enneagram type. Imagine this: if I understand Enneagram types, and behaviours, your dressing certainly says a lot more to me, and I certainly can assess you with different questions that brings out your best and your worst.

(Note: This is a tongue-in-cheek look at Enneatype fashion, any resemblance to actual persons is unintended)

Type 1 - The Moralist, Perfectionist, the good person

Type 1s love looking right for official events, dressed in the best they can afford, dark sombre power suits and muted tones, shades of black, blue and gray. If wearing white, it's got to be clean white and spotless. Type 1 ladies love pearls, perfection in a oyster.

Never to be caught dead in brown shoes with black suits(for that matter socks of the wrong colour), you can almost see them doing a critique of that reflection in the mirror as their eyes linger over every stray hair, every crease and the shine of their shoe.

Type 2 - The Helper, people pleaser, the special friend

Type 2s project comfort and warmth, and their clothes say the same. Warm tones, cotton whites, yellow , beige and browns, earth colours and blue the colour of a sunny day. Their dressing says, I'm your friend, and I am here for you. I am comfortable and I want you to feel the same way. Type 2s can dress for impact as well, but they appeal to your feelings and your heart, non obtrusive gentle materials and scent. Bags may not match their clothes but the material will often be soft and inviting.

Type 3 - The Achiever, status seeker, the "Best"

Shirts tucked in securely in their Armani pants, constantly posing for pictures(in their mind), and on the look out for persons of interest, the type 3 dresses for others. The message the type 3 projects is, look at how successful I look, be awed, and admire me.

Type 3s prefer colours that make them look good, suave or glamourous(ie. rich), and good = success = role model. The salesman's uniform of dark suit and power red ties were created for type 3s.

There is often a rigidity in the type 3's speech and body language because they are trying to figure out what you want them to say to you, and how to impress you. Looking into a type 3's eyes, you often see emptiness looking back at you, like a mirror that reflects only your own image, that is, if they would look you in the eyes. 

Type 4 - The romantic, tragic player, the aesthete

Type 4s have a penchant for the dramatic aspects of life. The black they wear is midnight black, not the usual half baked black, and blue is noble royal blue and red is maroon, the shade of blood. Understated style is the calling card of a type 4, no neon greens and yellows. The focus is on "the look", and 4s dress to match the image of themselves in their mind's eye. 

Type 4s follow classic looks that never get out of style, and have a love of fine things, warm wood, leather and unique pieces and things that evoke an entire bygone era.

Type 5 - The Thinker, observer, the mentalist

Type 5s are no frills dressers. Simple, block colours, not too loud, and nothing that calls attention to them. Blacks. wood greens, calm blue, soft sorbet orange, whites. No stiff materials and unnecessary adornments. Type 5s grew up with a certain laid back style, and they stick with it. If they find something that they like to wear, they would buy it in all of the colours they like and stock up, and that's the shopping quota for the year. Buy a new short, I prefer a good hair cut.

Fashion is anything that does not clash too badly when worn together. Afterall, there are much more important things to contemplate, dressing is a rather frivolous waste of time. But wait, they are likely to be wearing a gadget that is fresh on the market, with a whole series of impressive functions.

Type 6 - The Loyalist, doubter, the guardian

Type 6s wear the simple, presentable, clean and neat version of what other people wear. Checks, plaid, simple buttons. If there is a uniform to wear, that's great! Played down, simple white based prints are what type 6s prefer, afterall, there is so much to do, something easy to wash, iron or dry (and are dependable and last for a long time) are the best bets. 

Buying anything tends to take a long time, there are things to consider, and once they find a preference, they stick with it. If the company stops production and move out to Thailand, they will find a way to buy...in Thailand.

Type 7 - The Enthusiast, Energizer bunny, the multi-tasker

The style of a Type 7 is often describes as eclectic. Multiple styles and patterns are captured in one full smorgasbord, something new, something classic, something quirky. Creative and adventures, 7s wear their sunshine on their skin, in colourful mixes, accessories, prints and materials. Life is fun, and the Type 7 wardrobe reflects that, a little bit of everything, and anything that goes together. And the truth is, everything does go together for a type 7. Wear the same thing every week? Oh what a bore....

Type 7s love fashion, experimentation, finding new styles and leading the trend. You can almost always tell a female 7 from everyone else, well put together, energetic mix of materials, buttons of unusual materials, trendy shoes. They will never be caught dead wearing what everyone else is wearing, they modify and make things their own style.

Type 8 - The Challenger, maverick, the leader

Type 8s in the business world are gritty, strong, "spare me the excuses and get to the chase" type of leaders, and their dressing matches that. Suits, simple, black and white, they almost always feel and look larger than life. They charge into rooms with great force, and you better know it. 

Off work, they maintain a white polo tee, smart casual combo. Hardly the type to fuss over fashion, type 8s need comfortable clothes, things that do not restrict their bodily actions and strong gestures. Their choice of clothes work as hard as they do, so they better be good quality and comfortable.

Type 9s - The Peacemaker, comforter, the consensus seeker

Type 9s prefer clothes that are like them, laid back, non obtrusive, and fades into the background. The dress according to their environment, and will be happy wearing the same sets of matching items weekly. Clothes and accessories if any, are matching, and only paired the same way. 

Types 9s are easy going and their clothes project calm. From boardroom to lunch, always cool as a cucumber. 

As I come to the end of this page, do you find yourself thinking of what you wear, and what friends and loved ones wear? What does the way you dress say to others? 

Does this speak to you of shopping trips and how you love or hate some styles of dress? For today, step out and notice what everyone's wearing and saying with what they wear.

Seeds

Reading Zen master Thich Nhat Hanh's essays, to me, is like drinking a cool refreshing glass of water. He speaks of nourishing healthy seeds, and goes on to explain that consciousness exists on two levels, as seeds and as manifestations of those seeds.

Plant good seeds and you yield good outcomes, simple enough. What he goes on to talk about is the act of gathering a store of good seeds for difficult times, moments when nothing seems to be enough to support us. Those are moments when grief overcomes us, anger erodes our trust, and fear shakes our beliefs.

And this act of gathering good seeds is in itself a study in mindfulness; knowing that any action and emotion of ours is within our control. When we meet an angry person, who responds to us with fear and rudeness, it is hard to believe that even in that moment, the choice of calm is ours.

In the course of my work in Coaching, a side effect that I am happy to report, is increased calm and happiness. Perhaps of the mindfulness work that I blend into coaching sessions is spilling over into my life as well, who knows? Coaching using the knowledge of the Enneagram further adds to this awareness. When you know that you as coach have your own filters and fixations, each coaching session, although fully focused on your client, has a positive side effect of also illuminating what you yourself must learn.

So in a happy twist of fate, after searching years for the perfect job, I am in my version of the perfect job, as Coach. I am a gardener, who sits with others examining the best seeds to plant for their greatest happiness, sieving through the bad nuts as well as the good, nurturing the desire to stay the course, and celebrating success as well as bitter sweet moments when we discover together that the tree that promised all that one desires is but a mirage.

In sheltering others from the rain, I have found strength, and in loving when one is unlovable, I have seen courage. Just as the great teacher Claudio Naranjo says in conclusion to his book "the Enneagram of Society", this ending serves to me, an invitation and a beginning, " to think about all that will be added to us if we first of all occupy the Kingdom that is to be found within our hearts."

What things and wonders will come indeed!

This is a Fork - Discovery through the Enneagram

Last night, I picked up a fork (to eat dessert with) and remembered the 5 magical days I spent in Ginger's Coaching with the Enneagram course in Hong Kong.

To me, the enneagram is complex and as I read more each day, things fall into place, yet often the mist parts only to reveal even more areas of obscurity and tantalising bits of insight. The greatest learning I gained from the course was that when we are open and awareness to the innate possibilities of each type, we find that we are indeed all deeply connected.

Being aware is truly only the beginning. Through learning to listen to what is unspoken, to connect at the head, heart and gut level, sharing and understanding paradigms, not assuming that we all have the same maps of the world,  tapping our intuition, laughing joyfully at ourselves when we trap ourselves with baffling stories of what we hold ourselves to be, then did we begin the journey towards insight. And this awareness then allows us as coaches to gently challenge what our clients really could become.

In a way, the mix is the class couldn't be more perfect. We had all the 9 types, albeit some still sitting on fence of their "chosen type", and enough interaction time to understand the motivations, pecularities, impulse and defense mechanisms of each type. If you asked me before the class whether I understood the monkey mind of a type 7, the need to be needed of a type 2, or the concept of success as self of a type 3, I would be totally baffled, but today as I think back on those energetic discussions, role plays and exercises we did, I remember fondly how beautiful every soul in class was regardless of type, and how beautifully the light shines in each of us.

For me, the course started a journey with the enneagram that I did not anticipate, suddenly the world really is multi dimensional and filled with texture, imagery, sounds and sights. (No, we did not eat anything unusual in class) Expanding our mind and energies past the old confines really made all the difference.

Back to the fork.

Somewhere in Aberdeen, HK, there is a hotel in which some of the forks now know that they are:

"shiny, prickly, useful, glittering, a weapon, a comb, curvy, sensual, hard, just the right weight, balanced, beautiful, branded, plays a nice tone when tapped, silver, bright, sharp, sometimes sad, sometimes optimistic, ready to see the world"

Just like the wonderful enneagram coaches they are most similar to. Isn't it absolutely beautiful that we can be anyone we choose to be, just like those shiny happy forks in Aberdeen.

Following the signposts on the Enneagram path

How I came to be in HK on a 5 day long enneagram coaching certification course is a story in Syncronicity itself.

I was merely searching the web using two words "coaching" and "Asia". When I found the program, my first instinct was to sign up. However, being a careful prudent person ( I can't sign up for every course I find after all) I decided that I would send an email asking for more information on the course itself, especially since it was held in HK and details will need it be worked out.

As a pre-requisite, participants needed to have read Ginger's Lapid-Bogda's book on enneagram coaching, and at that time, I certainly have never read anything on the enneagram.

I do know my ennea type, thanks to my mentor, but my knowledge of the enneagram can only be described as superficial at best. So I spent 2 days going into every bookshop I can find, but nope, no book.

So I took the natural (at least it was natural for me) next step which was to throw the challenge to the universe. If it was right for me to attend the course in HK, the book will turn up.

The next day, I shared the course details with my mentor, just for another opinion, and lo and behold, he not only has the book I need to read, but two others that would be good to read.

What's a girl to do? I sent a warm thank you to the universe, and signed up for the course.

The course changed my understanding of human relationships, and the drivers of behavior. Just as many teachers have appeared in my life, Ginger was an amazing teacher. Always challenging paradigms, but with great humour and a gentle type two love for humanity.

I am again reminded that when the student is ready, the teacher will appear.

There are many moments of insight and discovery during the course, but that is a story for another day. Key take aways, cherished moments are moments of exploring different coaching methodologies, centering exercises: Colour washing, NLP basics, projection, reframing, energy and voice and my all time favorite, the use of metaphors.

The journey continues, and the path becomes clear.