Who's to say never?

Last Saturday, I had the first tuition session with a good friend's niece. I've only tutored sporadically in my university days, but I had no hesitation tutoring this young lady, because what I was to do was not purely to teach English, I was to coach.

If you find this odd, you are not alone in feeling so.

I've seen this young lady in social and family settings. She is very generous to share, she defers to her siblings, she is obedient but rather slow, very kind and giving. What is sadly the missing part to this otherwise wonderful girl is that she has no interest in anything, not her herself, not her future, no ambition, no likes and dislikes.

How curious, I thought.

The purpose of my weekly lessons with her, was to comment on her weekly jounals, run through essays she writes, and assess her work in a creative writing workbook.

I quickly realise that she writes relatively well, albeit with colloquial interjections and careless tenses. She write 'badly' because that is what she believed. As such, she never checks what she writes, trusting instead that it's bad anyway.

Our conversation goes:

Me: What did you learn completing the workbook?
Her: There are many things that can be used in a compo(sition).
Me: Good, So how would that change your writing habit?
Her: Maybe prepare more and think of more things
Me: How do you remind yourself of that?

Me: How you do see your writing on a scale of 1 - 10?
Her: maybe 7 - 8? (with a scared sheepish look)
Me: That's good. Let's talk about what need to be done to get to 10, and what is a 10.

Does this sound familiar already?

Do I think she will pass her PSLE? Let's just say that we'll do our best, both of us, and the neuroscience research says that each week, as she builds more neural maps on English, writing, being expressive, adding more details to her essays, being more confident, being more interested in her work, as a side effect, she will pass her exams.

Well, that's my theory anyway.

As an aside, when I started learning to coach, there were two groups of people I believed I couldn't coach. 1) teens and children, and 2) people much older than myself. In 8 months, I've done both, so what's to say what can or cannot be done at the end of the day?

So learning point:this year, I shall try breaking some old beliefs and patterns. Chief of all would be:

1) that I can't write a book
2) that work that is meaningful can't pay the bills

I believe in a having a healthy dose of confidence, but still, I think my Ego is in for some shock and resistence!

And never say never.

If singing bowls could talk...

Anyone who has tinkered with a singing bowl quickly realises that sound is a energy wave, and even the softest chime carries a current.

My singing bowl is a small inexpensive one, but the tones that it carries is clear and resonant. I like to believe that bowls choose their owners, and mine certainly chose me.

Learning to play the singing bowl requires more than a strong and steady arm, it already requires a focused, calm mind. I found that out only last week when out of sheer frustration at how the work day ended, I picked up my bowl and starting tinkering with it.

I couldn't get a clear tone out of the singing bowl.

And I became aware of how my mind was distracted, and how heavy my shoulders felt. On impulse I used the mindfulness exercise taught in my intuitive coaching class, which in essence is focusing on my breath, allowiing the breath to flow through every part of my body and engaging all senses, touch, smell, sounds, sight,

I tried the singing bowl again afterwards. The sound that came out was so strong and clear, that everything in the room vibrated and my hand tingled for minutes after.

The thought came to my mind, that everything is energy, and the universe did begin with a sound. There is no past, not future, no seperation, everything is permeable.

What a wondrous thought indeed!

If everything is connected, every soul is energy, you and I are one. And we are one with the universe. This feeling is priceless.

Intuitive Coaching teleclass #1 - Being intuitive

What exactly is Intuition?

Words like "gut feel", "sense of unease","6th sense" comes to mind.

Houghton Mifflin's online dictionary defines Intuition as:

The act or faculty of knowing or sensing without the use of rational processes; immediate cognition.

Reflecting on this definition, one gets a sense that intuition is a subconscious activity, and perhaps not a wholly controllable one.

I have found however, that intuition is very much tapping into a space within your learning and knowledge, where useful but unconscious thoughts amalgamate into wisdom. If we follow that line of thinking, it simply means that our intuitive senses are only at good as our ability to perceive, assess and learn. We cannot have a concept of something that we don't know about or are not even aware of.

Intuitive individuals learn from the world, they consume books, ideas, they embrace new and exciting things, they question and they reflect. So if one desires to become intuitive, what are the possible ways? To me, two things come to mind:

1. Read voraciously
It is said that reading opens your mind to different worlds. One person's exposure to his or her native country provides information, knowledge of culture and practices of one location. Reading allows us to see places, some imaginary, some real, and broadens our horizons. When we understand more, our intuition grows.

2. Mindfulness
Many of us go through each day on auto pilot. We drive to a place on habit, we allow our reptilean brain to sense the environment around us, so we operate on a fight, flight or freeze mode. Let's take the example of road rage. If someone overtakes us, our response more often then not is to speed up. It's your ancient reptilean brain saying, "danger, there is competition and let's fight!"

When we become aware of our throughts, we the can more mindfully decide, is it a real danger? Does it matter? Is it worth my entire body tensing up? Why is there fear? or is it anger? If the driver in front is my husband, what changes?

Most people believe that they are masters of their life and their experiences, but if you asked most people why they behave in certain ways, they may not be able to fully explain why. That is because many of these emotions are brain based, and are reflexes and not conscious decisions. You don't choose to get out of your car to have an argument with the car in front just because she sped up to overtake, you allowed your emotions to get ahead of you, and your system to act in protection. Did you choose? How baffling is your response?

One useful method I have found is to name the emotion that we feel. Naming the emotions allows us to think whether it is really what we want, and if yes to act in a more purposeful manner, and if not, to let the emotion go.

And more importantly, brain research tells us that when we practice mindfulness, we build new maps in our brain, new connections, and eventually our responses will change to where our intention brings it.

Changing how our mind thinks and how we respond, now that is a whole new world.

Learning from coaching - insights galore!

Last night I had a really good session with my Coachee from US. Although it was our first session, and we barely knew each other, there was a good sense of rapport between us. In a way, that again reminds me that no matter how we grew up, what our principles are, which languages we speak, we are very much alike as humans.

I've always preferred face to face coaching, trusting that being able to see, sense, and hear would deepen rapport and build a safe space for coaching. I am almost surprised that even without seeing my coachee, I could hear her energy level, thoughts and state of emotion perfectly well, and perhaps, this distance in fact allows for greater clarity.

It is again a reminder that mindfulness exists at all times, and in all situations. It is almost akin to allow yourself to freefall off a canyon, trusting that you will land safely with your parachute strapped on.

It was truly a very powerful feeling, that in focusing on another, one reaches the ability to suspend all judgement, all need for control, and just be in the space to listen for potential, to understand, to sense and to shape the conversation with great empathy, but no attachment to where the conversation leads.

Oftentimes when I coach, I can hear Colleen's voice, saying, just trust in the process, you already know what to say or ask. Just listen fully and be curious. How do you feel? What is behind this thought? Who controls this emotion? How would you be without this thought? what do you notice? What are you beginning to be aware of?

My coachee last night was very appreciative of her insights from our conversation, and could immediately see application into the rest of her behavior towards people, events and things. For me, it was a great learning oppportunity and a very humbling experience.

I learnt from her, how to hear what is beneath, to trust the energy that was in her voice, to realise that there were moments of reflections, and to appreciate the brief moments of silence in between. I learnt also to let go of the preconceived structures, and to allow for flexibility whilst keeping to the path.

I've also learnt from her, that in being aware of the emotion that is driving our behavior, our emotions literally dissipate, and what you end up with, is a strong sense of clarity, and a clear vision of the way forward.

What a beautiful state of mind to be in. and what else is possible?

Transition person

Yesterday, I learnt at 7 habits training, the concept of a transition person. We've all at one stage or another, have had mentors, inspiring managers, great relatives that we look up to, coaches who teach more than the essentials of a game, and friends who changed us.

However, the idea of a transition person is quite different, as I discover with a quick search of the internet.

One site speaks of the transition person as someone who appears in our lives as if by magic (sychrononicity)and has a role of clarifying our thoughts and actions. In metaphysics, this person has the role of waking us up to universal truths, lighting a new candle in the dark.

That all sounds great until, you realise that the transition person is exactly just that, a transition. Most transition persons do not stay in our lives, unless they are meant to. And the caution at the end of that article on the transition person warned of not falling in love with the person because you will get hurt, and deeply.

Most interesting.

In the 7 Habits paradigm, the transition person seems to be a catalyst for change, someone who brings you visions of a new way of being, and in doing so change your concept of the world and it's never the same again.

Looking back at different times in my life, I realise that many transition persons, very critical to my being, growth, development and creative energy have indeed appeared into my life at critical junctures, and some are no longer with me. I thought it would be a fun exercise to list them out, and what I learnt from them in a quick random order:

Yoong Kin - smart, intellectual, impeccable integrity

I learned from him, what a leader needs to be

Casilda - humourous, kind, no nonsense, strong

I learned from her the resilience one needs to be whole

Farene - my best friend, creative, never say die attitude, intuitive and forgiving

I learned from her what it means to be a good friend, across time and geographical boundaries, and what empathy means

Colleem - best coach trainer ever! strong, firm, generous and kind

I learned that it is often necessary to stand your ground, but be most sensitive and supportive doing so

Bernard Ho - being different, and learning always, even if it's tough

I learned that life doesnt always go your way, but you can choose how you react, and that changes you

Tze Meng - coach mentor,doesnt mince words, intuitive, sharp, strong personality, equally generous heart

I learned from him(and is still learning at this point)that it takes courage to be a good coach, and you fail no one except yourself.

As a write, I'm struck by a simple truth, that I coach because I want to be a transition person for others, and to faciliate their growth on their journeys. And the beauty of it all is that I can be that catalyst no matter what professional role I take, and no matter how inadequate I may feel.

And in Colleen's words, coaching is not about the coach, it is about the coachee. In a good coaching conversation, the coach is invisible. But the results are life changing.

Succinct, specific, generous and absolutely true.

Re-creating you everyday

As humans, we always seek to define ourselves, what we are, is it good or bad, how we measure up to our friends, neighbors and to everyone else under the sun. Today I realize that I can choose all that or I can choose to be undefined.

When I think of that, I immediately felt lighter, because it is no longer relevant to be in the space of the past, and we often that the past is...just that, the past. Whether it is last decade, last week or ten seconds ago. We constantly recreate ourselves, and to keep ourselves 'normal' we largely re created the same US each day!

How amazing is that!?

Infinite beings recreating the same persona everyday!

Today I had a coaching session with a coaching course mate Sufian, and had a really delightful time. One question that he asked me that I really liked was how I would apply my new coaching mindset to the rest of my life, as opposed to just within the workplace.

I paused because then question caused me to reflect. Why not indeed! So I will choose to:

Be curious
Listen for potential
Practice non judgement
Be present

And trust that I do have everything I need, and there is something right about what I have chosen all along.

What a fabulous way of being! What else is possible! Tomorrow morning, I'll recreate me and all of life comes to me with ease, joy and glory!

The path of synchronicity - between the ego and the shadow

It used to be that I often marveled at how life seems to happen in a flow, and that unrelated things and events happen that are just right for you. Perhaps it is true that when you love ferraris, somehow you will see bright red ones everywhere. I am a firm believer that when you intend something more often then not, things will happen. However, sometimes what happens is what you need rather then what you prefer.

I started my journey into Coaching also as part of a series of oddly synchronized events. I have been thinking of ways in which I can reach people better and more genuinely, and coaching appeared in the horizon. It was not by any stretch of the imagination a straight forward path. Perhaps I chose not to heed my instincts, perhaps it was fear, and perhaps it simply wasn't time.

I am now entering into the 12 and final session of my coach training, and it seems as if the more I learn, the more there is to learn. It is most curious and very disconcerting. Some people would say that the training enables coaches, provides training to 'do' the real job of coaching, but to me, this was a journey further inwards then I would have expected.

I am again reminded of my trainer Coleen's words, that as coaches we see people as fundamentally whole and complete, and that we ourselves must see ourselves as complete as well. Today as I went through the tele class, my old friend self doubt resurfaced. I am not sure I know enough, or can do enough to be a good coach, and I keep feeling like I've sailed off the cliff on wings of intention alone, and have found them wholly inadequate.

And true to the powers of intention, I opened Dr Allan Hunter's book on the path of sychronicity, where he says right at the introduction
that "a signpost does not have to be made of gold - it just has to point the right direction."

In a sense, I've stepped into a space between the ego and the shadow, where neither sunlight nor rain falls, and where I must be whole to start with, or perceive that I am, or perish. And right there was my insight: everything that I am learnt, it is indeed enough, trust your instinct and the process. Nobody said that it would be easy, only the ego promised a easy path, and the shadow whispered of fear, inadequacies and failure.

In a sense, my coaching journey has been one inwards where I reflect on why I do things, realized that I didnt know my self very well, and upon seeing who I am, I didnt like myself too much. Yet at the end of the day, this very battered signpost can still show the path to bewildered travelers and in doing so, serve its purpose.

Life is immensely wonderful, and I am grateful for all the people I met on the way, some benign, some lovely, and some, belonged right in Dante's journey into the underworld, demons of charm and horror. After all, hell is not just a place we've seen, it's also a frame of mind.

And the choosing of which we take, is not always as clear as we might have hoped.