Lost in the woods

As I wander somewhat despondently in the woods of my soul's despair, lost and bereft of people I trusted or so I believe, a realization came to me that one can never be really lost, without first losing oneself. How does one 'get' lost, shouldn't it be, one is (now) lost?

More damaging than the perceived lost of support, is the lost of self belief, a certain optimism that just as crazy lousy things happen, so can the amazing great ones.

When there are various other options to pursue at any point, being lost is a unconscious choice to remain without a choice. No one really can stay without taking action for ever, unless there one has all the earthly resources needed for continuation of life in an urban city such as ours. Yet staying stuck is a useful experience too, if that's your choice, I wonder what choices are you not taking, and how and what is the story you make up to explain what's going on?

What are you afraid of, and what did you evade? 

Many of us think taking actions is a good way to get out of a rut, yet sometimes staying the course can be the best action too. It really depends on what your goals in life are, and by that, I don't mean the goals you think you should have, and things that you feel obliged to do, or the things you choose to do for others, or even the goal you thought you wanted. The good thing is that as long as you are breathing, you can always change your mind. No one's judging you for making a mistake( except yourself, that is). It can be a greater folly to give in to pride and envy, fear and anger, indolence and indulgence, and continue to live a massive lie just to keep up appearances. And if staying is really a good choice, and it makes you happy( even if you hide it), all it takes a quick mental reframe, and everything does fall into place. If you feel a certain way, ask yourself what thought came before the fit of emotion. 

Try that, isn't it interesting? We really are not our emotions.

You can procrastinate, lie to yourself, spin fanciful tales, tell stories that even you can't really determine whether or not are works of fiction or reality, or even better, believe that somehow you are doing things for the benefit of others ( the greatest noble lie of all, but nevertheless a sweet lie), but one day the truth will swing around and hit you squarely in the back of your head like a 20 year old boomerang spin.  

One can only live for oneself, deception can be soothing for many, to say that others need you in order to survive is vanity, life does go on without you. That's God's biggest grace to us all, a short memory, a penchant for forgetfulness. Otherwise, can you imagine the nightmares we as humans will hang on to for eons, long after the splinter has been removed and the pain has healed. We love self flagellation, rehash the hurt again and again, embellish and go through it all over again my our minds, and even believe that people will never change, even if we ourselves change from one day to the next. The day will come when even hate must end, why not end it now? Must it take the separation that death brings, to realize that you've always had a better choice, one that we obstinately refuse to take? What would you call that? Stupidity, pride, fear, anger, indulgence, apathy? What is the name of your inner demon and dare you  call it to its face?

For all of the things that don't go well, it however remains true that the light of others in our lives makes all of the best moments happen - joy, growth, love, hate, sadness and madness. That's right, I named hate, sadness and madness as one of the best moments in life. Just as day can't exist without night, many of our darker moments illuminate the best of the human spirit, and it is immaterial whether we acknowledge that or not. To live bravely, and to not be enslaved to our emotional or mental chains, is perhaps the uncharted frontier that we must attempt, if not to become who we can be, perhaps just for the heck of it.

If you were the only human left on earth, you would really love to deeply love, hate, talk to, hug, push, argue with someone just one more time, or even to sit quietly sipping coffee in the same space, so why not do it now consciously? For the last 10 years, I've been hanging on to a grudge against an old lady who may not even be lucid enough to know right now, tomorrow I will make plans to let that go. Just because I want to, and hell, holding on to a deadweight is really tiring emotionally and ultimately futile. Actually, I'll let that go NOW. 

Ah...... Hmm much better. But of course, I'll still visit and say sorry even if it matters only to me.

Where life exist, where love exists, nothing can be broken for good. Just like the myth of Pandora's box tells us, when all of the ills of humankind has been unleashed onto earth, the only thing that always will remain is Hope. And if you can't hang on to hope, it's time to find a fellow human to talk to. Just as good friend of mine said, if one is feeling lost, maybe it's time to look for a map and chart a new course. Who knows, it may even be the path you abandoned that leads to the bubbling steaming hot spring after all. Never mind if it took silly you 5 years wandering in circles to finally get there.

The Nature of Awareness

"We don't see things as they are, we see them as we are."
- Anais Nin

In the training, teaching, mentoring and coaching circle, I have oftentimes heard people refer to Awareness as something that is essential and paramount to growth and self development. 

Yet, when I do ask individuals what awareness means to them, what I usually get is a rehash of the word itself. "You know, it's being aware", said one coaching client. I don't know about you, but even an apple means different things and draws out different senses and memories to you and me. I experienced that when I tried to described my thoughts and feelings on Jelly fish, and came to the conclusion that no two persons experience the same jelly fish the same way or in the same intensity.

I approached today's post in the same style as the way I tutor kids, and that's by inquiry in a coaching style. Let's broaden our paradigms and experience what comes.

From Wikipedia, "Awareness"  is the state or ability to perceive, to feel, or to be conscious of events, objects, or sensory patterns. Taking a step back and just digesting this description, when one is aware, what it seems to mean is that one taps into our human senses, and notice the experience. It is what Gurdjieff means when he talks about self remembering. It is not just sitting and meditating, feeling or thinking. It is realising that what we experience in our inner landscape is separate from the objective reality of others, and that it may be the same or it may not. It is in fact, a state that is separate from what we think is our personality. We are not what we think or feel, we are perhaps more.

What helps in the development of awareness? 

Now, this is what my student taught me about awareness through our really fun session on what was studying techniques. We learnt about what our maps of learning are, and through experiencing the differences... we learnt from it.

Awareness comes as a by product of the following:

1. Looking at Language
In coaching, one important aspect of rapport is to have a good understanding of our client's map of the world. I've found that many people have limited vocabulary in the area of development that they most sorely needed. 

A client who wants control over anger, has next to no words to describe it beside "angry", and my student's vocabulary for anger is just "angry". Asking what really being angry is yields a surprised and baffled  look.

What I discover is that if all we know is angry or sad, we experience, usually, either anger or sadness. We don't look at what the feeling is really telling us, and what the real deal behind the anger is.

Anger is a state of emotion that arises when things different from what we want or expect turns up, and we are angry for vastly different reasons.

I'd like to borrow just two examples from the Enneagram to illustrate what Anger means to different people:

Perfectionists experience anger that is tightly coiled, controlled and it often means that a important standard has been breached, and corrective action needs to be made

Individualists experience anger as a hot expressive force that spins out of control. It signifies that a strong emotional reason behind the anger, something of value is lost, and it cannot ever be recovered again. 

As you can see, when we enrich our vocabulary of what the anger means, we learn much more about ourselves.

2. Experiment
In developing awareness, it helps to be somewhat playful with ourselves. I ran this exercise with my student when she asked why people get angry or sad. We talked about a dog she used to play with many years ago. When we talked about the dog's death, I asked her what she thought of, and when we talked about the best moments with the dog, again what her memories are.

At the end of the session, through her own effort, she learns that what we feel is often related to what we thought about, and if that is the case, we have full control over what we choose to dwell on.

We are sometimes our worst enemies, we believe things that make us unhappy, angry, powerless, defensive, unlikable people, and we use it to describe how the world or others really hurt us, when all we have been doing is using our own energy, and the fury of our fears and emotions to hurt ourselves. 

Being aware doesn't necessarily mean you are happier, it does mean that you have a great more flexibility in your life.

3. Joy
In tuition, all too often, teachers forget that everyone learns better when they are in a positive state. I've found that my student is amazing when she finds the positive energy to work on herself, she recalls past learning better, is more creative, and makes no careless errors. 

So really, what my role is, is to create such an environment for her. 

In being aware, being blissful and happy are also a supportive states. I am not a fan of developmental practices that requires people to seek out their worst memories and rehash them in vivid detail. The past is exactly that, the past, and reliving them is like eating last year's new year goodies, stale and not too tasty. 

If we learn from our negative experiences, which we do even if we don't bring it to the conscious, then we move on. Staying with the past does really nothing for us today, that it has not already done.

So in conclusion, what we can do to create more awareness in our lives, is to simply: 
1. Enrich our use of language   
2. Be experimental 
3. Be a child of bliss

Drop me a line, tell me what you think. What is your path to awareness?

"Only internal bliss is perpetual, nothing else is created to last. 

That's why God lives within us and all storms pass."

- Carl Henegan 

Recycled Romance - Dating a Type

This morning while surfing the next at breakfast, my attention was caught by an interesting header: Recycled Romance - Stars who date a Type. And that is the story of Tiger Woods and the gorgeous new gal. I do have to admit, the two blonde ladies do look a little alike, down to the sweet gentle smile. (And if you do want that story it's on http://entertainment.xin.msn.com)

Of course, I am sure that story had more to do with the interested party's physical attributes or perhaps a certain similarity in dressing or in family background, and less to do with Enneagram type.

Let's just for a moment stay on that thought. What if we do choose a certain type, and without awareness, we find ourselves repeatedly in similar versions of the same "romance"?

What is it that we see that attracted us again and again, like moths to a flame?

Are we in effect reliving an ideal that we seek through different people who remind us of the same attributes?

Imagine how that could be scary: we date Jim, Mike, Peter, but really we dated the same type of a person, and to our minds, the story is the same. When we wake tomorrow, do we know who it is that we live with?

The holy grail of the Enneagram, if I may call it that, lies in the ability to choose who we are, and being free really means seeing things for what they really are and creating real options... to chose from, of course. I have heard people tell themselves, it's no use, I can't help it. Often what they really mean is that they don't want to, rather than they can't. And if they don't want to, there is a strong secondary benefit that they perceive gaining from staying in the current rut they are in, even if that prison is really painful and dismal.

And truth be told, sometimes we don't want to see or admit what is the true in our lives. We choose a false script of success, the blame game, the if-only-I-was-richer(healthier, prettier,taller etc) story, stuck in the broken past memory, and many other versions of the stories we tell ourselves.

Looking at people, situation and things, we often pass the power of choice out onto the hands of others. Once we take back our power of creation and the attached responsibility, perhaps it means that we are now responsible for our own successes and failures.

And loving the one we do love, is not so much a matter of luck after all. Perhaps changing the script of our lives takes a lot out of us, and it is not always what we want to do. Yet, if we do not want to change the story, then perhaps just admitting that our lives as it is today, really is a choice.

So if I ask myself, what is my life today? Do I love, create and want it?

What's your answer? If you don't, what are you REALLY prepared to create?

The mirror has two faces

Many a times Enneagram enthusiasts find themselves in a dilemma. As they pored through the descriptions of types, and the associated traits, they suddenly find themselves bound to deny or disassociate themselves from the very traits they see in themselves.

And more often then not, ironically, these are the traits that made them successful at work.

I remember a strong, sophisticated looking lady, a fellow enneagram classmate, asking me with some measure  of anguish, how she could be less of her type. How she could be acceptable to others, how others can fear her less.

I still remember what I said to her, perhaps because the pain that I felt was mirrored in myself. I said that she was every bit the perfection of who she already is, and that what she seeks to hide may very well be her gifts, the fruits of the spirit. Perhaps removing the "too" from whatever descriptor she had judged herself to be, could be a first step, yet, sometimes, there is nothing to change, what is, already serves her well, it's just from whose perspective it is..too much.

Yes, as you can see, I am rather the dare devil sometimes, being contrarian runs in my blood.

The Enneagram is like a mirror to me, it reflects aspects of who I could be, and who I am today, and shows me the shadow of who I was.

Some of my fellow 4s tell me that life often sucks for a type 4, the tendency to spiral deep into a negative emotional state at the drop of a hat, self consciousness, a projection of a veneer of being something worthy, never finding what's essentially not lost, it all becomes a baggage.

Yet, the more I travel on this Enneagram path, the less I feel a compulsion to judge myself. Equanimity is to me, a state of balance. It is seeing things for what they really are. And it really hard to "un-see" what you are now acutely aware of.

The past, images, scenes, love, loss, these are like pictures on the wall, they cannot hurt the present. If they do, it is only because I want it, I will it, and I languish in it.

Once we see both sides of the same coin, there is no good or bad, it just is.

Seeing the beauty in the smallest act, seeing the artistry in cup of coffee, the beauty of a sunset, feeling touched by beauty, these are gifts, and these I share with the people I meet in my life. You've got to understand that following the path down the rabbit hole is sometimes a most wonderful thing, even if it is pain, sadness, and loss that leads us down this path. And it is loss that makes me cherish life, light and darkness, ying and yang. It is a close shave with death that makes me want to shake people up, with Type 8 anger and fury, wake up, you are alive, choose to live!

Something my mentor said to me yesterday resonated with me. Just as 4s intensify their feelings and emotions, type 5s or any other type does the same, and for 5s a feeling of numbness is intensified, it's a feeling of no emotions, a cloak of emptiness. The question is, what are you doing it for? And how has your "gift" served you? And there is almost always, a positive intention behind something you do, and a choice. What we call our fixations, are merely patterns that we are at liberty to transform.

Key words here are: Aware - choice - being different - change

The development paths in the enneagram, are less prescriptions, rather they are signposts. Knowing that you are a type 2, doesn't mean you spend all your time practicing saying no to people, and turning down every request. It is realising just who you are, and why you do anything, and taking joy in creating a life that brings you fulfilment in all aspects. It is loving yourself and loving others. And standing up for yourself, as much as you stand up for others.

It is becoming less a automaton, a machine of reflex.

It is becoming conscious, self observing and present.

It is a balance and a choice. Neither a "must", or "should", it is a "choose to".

And I've got to tell you that the future has truly just begun.We've only just begun.

Sharing an Umbrella

Today on the way home after a coaching session, I was waiting at a traffic crossing for a ride from a friend whom I was meeting for lunch.

It was a wet, cold day, with rain falling in sheets and people rushing off to lunch or from lunch. This is the kind of downpour that makes you wish you were at home, tucked in bed, lost in a book and nursing a piping hot coffee.

Lost in my thoughts, my reverie was interrupted by kind looking gentleman who stopped in front of me before he crossed the street to get back to his office. I sense a little hesitation as he opened his umbrella and offered me shelter to the other side of the road.

This is the first time someone offered to share his umbrella with me, and in the past, caught in similar downpours I have bemoaned the fact that people do longer care about others, and the empathy and depth of our human connection seems lost. And the truth is, we all had space under our large umbrellas for another umbrella-less soul.

And this one simple gesture absolutely warmed my heart. If I wanted a sign, this was it.

A thought came to me; we don't really need the propaganda that our government is famous for, keep Singapore clean and green, the Kindness movement, so on and so forth, all we need is a little love from our own heart, the desire to share just a little with the nameless others in our little island. If it was common practice to share our umbrella with others every time it rained, just for that brief moment, Singapore would become a much kinder and more gracious city with each downpour.

Imagine that. And it's just one small gesture.

Whoever you are, kind gentleman, who works somewhere at Singtel in Somerset, thank you, from the bottom of my heart. I don't now who you are, but you have made my day.

And oh, I stand corrected, Chivalry is not dead here.

   "A little fall of rain
            Will make the flowers
                          grow"
                                   - Les Misérable

Spring is a Time of Renewal

It's lunar new year here in Singapore, and the festive season always brings to mind feasting, gatherings, celebrating, letting loose and enjoying life.

Although there are no seasons in Singapore, as we are located on the Equator, there is still a perceptible buzz of newness, what we call "Spring wind" which heralds auspicious renewal for all. And it is at this time that I like to start coaching sessions with clients. As they say, rowing with the wind is much easier then rowing against it, and there is nothing like a multi sensory reminder that one's life is not static, if we do not want to achieve anything in the year, it is likely that we will not.

Everything and anything that I use in my coaching work, I test on myself, after all, it is futile to offer mental exercises and other tools of the trade without first trying them on oneself. Today, my chosen topic is the use of the Dream Board. 

Also known as a vision board, this version that I use is a visual reminder of all of the things that are important to oneself, so it could be pictures, lists, scents, news paper articles, in fact anything that captures the important and nourishing things in our lives. Placed at a location that one sees on a daily basis, the board serves as an anchor to the things that we seek and desire for the year (or longer).

This daily reminders does quite a few things for us:

1. Daily dose of Love
Daily affirmation of what we love and want in life fuels our motivation to maintain habits and and stay on course. Brain science research shows that what we focus on strengthens our neural pathways for those thoughts, and it's not useful to think of what didn't happen, it's much easier to create new thinking and new habits.

2. Mind your thoughts
5 mins of positive contemplation at the start or end of the day helps center our thoughts and creates a positive strong start. Everything that was created began with a thought, just as the mighty oak trees grew from a tiny seed. Watch your thoughts, nurture your spirit and watch your create energy grow.

3. Energy follows intention
It's not easy following through with goals that we set, and if you surveyed people who started the year with new year resolutions, you will find that many do not remember what they were past the second month. A dream board is a reminder that something is still important to you, and that your energy is following your intentions to fulfil those goals. I know people with family mission statements placed in a place of honour prominently, and those were the families that kept together, stayed together and supported each other.

4. Follow your bliss
The dream board is not a static one, each month or weeks that pass brings either new things to the board or some items get removed or shelved.
Refocusing only has two rules: 
A. Items that are removed must be things do not serve you anymore
B. New things that are added must ring your bliss and joy. If you set something, and you feel numb or ambivalent towards it, discard.

5. Share yourself
Placing your dream board in a prominent place has an additional effect on others in your family. Many of us infrequently share our thoughts on things that matter to us most. Our dream board allows others to support our goals and understand us better. One of the most lovely boards I have seen was a family board, where each of the things that everyone in the family wanted was featured like a giant crystal spiderweb, beautifully interconnected, just as we are all inter-connected spiritually and energetically.

Have you started thinking of what your board looks like? When was the last time you updated your board? Are you open to all of the possibilities in your life and are you really living fully?

Fashion and the Enneagram

In my many years of HR work, I've often noticed how the first 5-10 mins of any first meeting had significant impact on the subsequent relationship, be it professional or social. Some people have shared a instant rapport for some people and for some, it's dislike at first sight. Most people wouldn't be able to explain just what's wrong, but there are always many reasons why one is loved or hated.

In the last 5 years or so, I've noticed that the hip and happening younger crowd tends to appear at interviews exerting their individual style, some with great finesse and others more of a miss than hit. I won't and can't speak for all industries, but interviews perhaps still require formal etiquette and dress, and what you wear or dress in, says a lot more than you think.

Musing with a friend just a couple of days back, this is what I gathered about what one's dressing say about them and their enneagram type. Imagine this: if I understand Enneagram types, and behaviours, your dressing certainly says a lot more to me, and I certainly can assess you with different questions that brings out your best and your worst.

(Note: This is a tongue-in-cheek look at Enneatype fashion, any resemblance to actual persons is unintended)

Type 1 - The Moralist, Perfectionist, the good person

Type 1s love looking right for official events, dressed in the best they can afford, dark sombre power suits and muted tones, shades of black, blue and gray. If wearing white, it's got to be clean white and spotless. Type 1 ladies love pearls, perfection in a oyster.

Never to be caught dead in brown shoes with black suits(for that matter socks of the wrong colour), you can almost see them doing a critique of that reflection in the mirror as their eyes linger over every stray hair, every crease and the shine of their shoe.

Type 2 - The Helper, people pleaser, the special friend

Type 2s project comfort and warmth, and their clothes say the same. Warm tones, cotton whites, yellow , beige and browns, earth colours and blue the colour of a sunny day. Their dressing says, I'm your friend, and I am here for you. I am comfortable and I want you to feel the same way. Type 2s can dress for impact as well, but they appeal to your feelings and your heart, non obtrusive gentle materials and scent. Bags may not match their clothes but the material will often be soft and inviting.

Type 3 - The Achiever, status seeker, the "Best"

Shirts tucked in securely in their Armani pants, constantly posing for pictures(in their mind), and on the look out for persons of interest, the type 3 dresses for others. The message the type 3 projects is, look at how successful I look, be awed, and admire me.

Type 3s prefer colours that make them look good, suave or glamourous(ie. rich), and good = success = role model. The salesman's uniform of dark suit and power red ties were created for type 3s.

There is often a rigidity in the type 3's speech and body language because they are trying to figure out what you want them to say to you, and how to impress you. Looking into a type 3's eyes, you often see emptiness looking back at you, like a mirror that reflects only your own image, that is, if they would look you in the eyes. 

Type 4 - The romantic, tragic player, the aesthete

Type 4s have a penchant for the dramatic aspects of life. The black they wear is midnight black, not the usual half baked black, and blue is noble royal blue and red is maroon, the shade of blood. Understated style is the calling card of a type 4, no neon greens and yellows. The focus is on "the look", and 4s dress to match the image of themselves in their mind's eye. 

Type 4s follow classic looks that never get out of style, and have a love of fine things, warm wood, leather and unique pieces and things that evoke an entire bygone era.

Type 5 - The Thinker, observer, the mentalist

Type 5s are no frills dressers. Simple, block colours, not too loud, and nothing that calls attention to them. Blacks. wood greens, calm blue, soft sorbet orange, whites. No stiff materials and unnecessary adornments. Type 5s grew up with a certain laid back style, and they stick with it. If they find something that they like to wear, they would buy it in all of the colours they like and stock up, and that's the shopping quota for the year. Buy a new short, I prefer a good hair cut.

Fashion is anything that does not clash too badly when worn together. Afterall, there are much more important things to contemplate, dressing is a rather frivolous waste of time. But wait, they are likely to be wearing a gadget that is fresh on the market, with a whole series of impressive functions.

Type 6 - The Loyalist, doubter, the guardian

Type 6s wear the simple, presentable, clean and neat version of what other people wear. Checks, plaid, simple buttons. If there is a uniform to wear, that's great! Played down, simple white based prints are what type 6s prefer, afterall, there is so much to do, something easy to wash, iron or dry (and are dependable and last for a long time) are the best bets. 

Buying anything tends to take a long time, there are things to consider, and once they find a preference, they stick with it. If the company stops production and move out to Thailand, they will find a way to buy...in Thailand.

Type 7 - The Enthusiast, Energizer bunny, the multi-tasker

The style of a Type 7 is often describes as eclectic. Multiple styles and patterns are captured in one full smorgasbord, something new, something classic, something quirky. Creative and adventures, 7s wear their sunshine on their skin, in colourful mixes, accessories, prints and materials. Life is fun, and the Type 7 wardrobe reflects that, a little bit of everything, and anything that goes together. And the truth is, everything does go together for a type 7. Wear the same thing every week? Oh what a bore....

Type 7s love fashion, experimentation, finding new styles and leading the trend. You can almost always tell a female 7 from everyone else, well put together, energetic mix of materials, buttons of unusual materials, trendy shoes. They will never be caught dead wearing what everyone else is wearing, they modify and make things their own style.

Type 8 - The Challenger, maverick, the leader

Type 8s in the business world are gritty, strong, "spare me the excuses and get to the chase" type of leaders, and their dressing matches that. Suits, simple, black and white, they almost always feel and look larger than life. They charge into rooms with great force, and you better know it. 

Off work, they maintain a white polo tee, smart casual combo. Hardly the type to fuss over fashion, type 8s need comfortable clothes, things that do not restrict their bodily actions and strong gestures. Their choice of clothes work as hard as they do, so they better be good quality and comfortable.

Type 9s - The Peacemaker, comforter, the consensus seeker

Type 9s prefer clothes that are like them, laid back, non obtrusive, and fades into the background. The dress according to their environment, and will be happy wearing the same sets of matching items weekly. Clothes and accessories if any, are matching, and only paired the same way. 

Types 9s are easy going and their clothes project calm. From boardroom to lunch, always cool as a cucumber. 

As I come to the end of this page, do you find yourself thinking of what you wear, and what friends and loved ones wear? What does the way you dress say to others? 

Does this speak to you of shopping trips and how you love or hate some styles of dress? For today, step out and notice what everyone's wearing and saying with what they wear.